Unpaid Interns

Pizzel Sticks
Not Pharaoh Penis

The Catastrophe, Inc party was lead by Waylan this time as they attempted to pull the bronze doors before them using Mage Hand…no luck. They decided to use ye old grappling hook trick…no luck.

Wayland then approached the door and found out two things 1) they were locked and 2) they PUSH inward…so no pulling needed.

Waylan pulled out his trusty thieves tools and proceeded to ineptly unlock the door, breaking the sleeping gas vial attached to the other side, which Reth breathed in deeply and began is 5000 year slumber.

While Reth’s panther watched over his master’s prone body, Waylan began examining the tomb and identified the Berzerker Axe embedded in the wall.

Silentread found two hidden clay pots, one with Bison or Cattle depicted upon it, and the other with sleeping or dead bodies painted on it.

Phylo took the one with cattle and broke it over Reth’s head and out fell a dozen Pizzel Sticks.

Silentread deftly opened her pot and revealed a Dispel Magic (7th level) scroll which was used to wake Reth up.

Awakened, Reth immediately recognized the Pizzel sticks as food and quickly ate one, then gathered the rest for later…he did not take any more poison damage after consuming one, so Silentread asked for one and ate it too.

Waylan ate one, but Phylo and Faedell held off eating them (and took poison damage)

Then Reth called Jenny (867-5309) and the crypt opened up revealing a lot of awesome treasure.

Phylo took the mask, and Faedell took the chain and the corpse began to stir. So Waylan cast a spell.

Now, ask yourself, what is the appropriate spell for this situation? Hold Person? Turn Undead? Command? NO! Thunderwave, obviously.

Thunderwave cast into the crypt with the corpse and treasure, caused a shower of corpse and treasure to be blasted out of the crypt into the air where the corpse began transofrming into a special Vampire Spawn (Tloques Popolocas) who brought forth swarms of bats, hold person, and mirror image as he attempted to defeat Catastrophe, Inc.

He was dispatched as all foes who face the wrath of Reth, Phylo, Waylan, Silentread, and Faedell are…eventually.

What is the next challenge to await the intrepid explorers?
Will they take an hour to decide how to open the next door?
Who will be the next to fall asleep?
Will they look at the treasure they obtained to find the special item they missed?

Join us next time to find out: Oct 4th 6:00PM

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Shut Up, Westley!
Dominance and Submission

Silentread sent her mastiff into the tunnel and the bitch reported that there appears to be a sealed door at the end of the tunnel.

There was much hymning and hawing over how to open the door at the end of the tunnel.
Eventually, Phylo decided he would be clever and deal with the door.

So, he entered the tunnel and, turning into a phanaton, could not pull hard enough on the door to open it. The party decided to use one of the many grappling hooks Reth carries along with way too much rope.

It didn’t work, phanatons are not the best at securing spikey metal things, apparently.

But finally, after a few hours of breathing poison gas, Silentread manned up, and pulled the door open revealing…a hallway.

The party went into the hallway and made their way East until they met Dasa Zotz, a super sexy neried with her pet Giant Lightening Eel named Chac. The party quickly made friends with Dasa by barely defeating a myriad of poisonous snakes that threatened her grotto. Dasa took a liking to Waylan and gave him a present as they left, a potion of clairvoyance and gloves of missile snaring. And she spoke of her friend “Westley” who lives to the…wait for it…West.

The party headed West, where Silentread found a charming coin at the bottom of a water filled room, after Reth and Waylan drained it. They then found “Westley”, a slug named Tecuziztectl, who apparently is the “Lord of Snails”. Westley tried to get the party to walk into his flooded room (very acidic water) and was much surprised when the party all were able to walk upon the water’s surface without getting damaged or drowning. Reth asserted his dominance over the Lord of Snails and took his pendant for his own. Westley, much humbled by the power of Reth, begged the party to leave him alone.

So the group headed back South, then East and talked to The Guardian and Kalka-Kylla again (they really are good friends now it appears), they talked about where men do things in the Temple and where Zotzilaha might be, as well as Dasa Zotz. Finally, the group, much to The Guardians pleasure, decided to move onward and Eastward.

To the East they found a rubble-filled stairwell blocking their further exploration North, but they also found a secret room, cordoned off behind a large square stone. Inside Faedell found another charming coin and Phylo, after breaking some urns, found a Priapt of Health.

Waylan spent most of the adventure playing a lovely anti-charming tune, and made a fantastic end to the day by producing an extra-planar sleeping quarters free of poison gas.

Join us next time when Waylan asks yet another question about Vampires (apparently just to show the creatures how knowledgeable his is already about them), Faedell heals everyone and gets yelled at for healing too much so he stops healing so much and gets yelled at for not healing enough, Silentread restrings her bow (uses different dice), Reth rides around on his panther, and Phylo goes blend from herpes (Priapt of Health does not protect against STDs)

NEXT GAME: September 20th @ 6:00pm

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Catastrophe, Inc.
Who needs a camel when you have a panther?

The adventurers returned to the main AI campus with word of their deeds preceding them. They were given a choice: Full Franchise or Pay the Bill. They chose, after a long debate, Full Franchise (much to the DM’s delight). They signed the contract, paid the fee and then moved to Baldur’s Gate and into their new office there.

Then they went shopping, Reth wanted a Warhorse, but was dismayed at the prices, so he happily purchased a Camel. Probably the best looking, strongest, and most sought after camel in all of Faerun…seriously from champion stock.

A package arrive for “Wayland the Angel Wielder” and inside they found an old book, a note, and Faedell’s Mace of Terror.

The note was from the mayor of Highfalls thanking them for all their work and giving them a book that his father owned, a travel guide to Ancient Tamoachan by R.B.

The party, now known as Catastrophe, Inc., embarked on the journey to the deepest jungles of Chult in search of the hidden temple. They eventually found it and were engulfed by a collapse.

Finding themselves trapped in a room, filled with noxious gas, and dioramas depicting various scenes of ancient Tamoachan life, they fumbled about with what to do. Finally, Phylo, fed up with nothing happening, knocked a bunch of commoner figures on the ground, where they immediately grew to real size and attacked.
Reth kept his head, and convinced the commoners (since he read the Olman to Common, Common to Olman dictionary at the back of the old book) that he was their friend. The commoners said they would help the party get to the temple.

Reth also found a panther statue, it turned out to be Silentread2, so he immediately murdered his camel, so happy to be reuinited.

Silentread broke a bunch of tiny spears taken from the warrior figures, the group fought frogs, took poison damage from the air, got healed by Faedell, and then Phylo cast moonbeam in the room, and Reth gathered all the figures (except the magic users) into his blanket, stepped out of the room and…
“Fluffed” them into the moonbeam where they immediately grew to full size and died from the damage of the moonbeam…XP was distributed.

Next Phylo got crushed by a poorly shimmed pressure plate’s trap, Reth held it open as Silentread’s big breasts brushed clumsily past and Faedell and Wayland passed with flourish.

In the next room, they met a Giant Crayfish, THE GUARDIAN, and Kulka-Kylla (a giant hermit crab). THE GUARDIAN warned Catastrophe, Inc. to “LEAVE OR BE KILLED!” Catastrophe, Inc. stayed and made friends with Kulka-Kylla, offering him a giant Blue Oyster taken from the Isle of Dread. THE GUARDIAN, now the guardian, was not happy that the party ignored his threats, nor that his master LIKES these meatbags…maybe he can kill them later.
The group asked Kulka-Kylla what the layout was, Kulka-Kylla told them stuff, the group decided to go West.

Reth found a silver triangle (think silver 4-sided die) and Faedell tasted some lime from the wall (and took 2 or 3 points of damage before washing it off)

They then proceeded West and North and found a statue, which Reth immediately climbed and it toppled over on him (the panther was rightly concerned) revealing behind it a secret passageway (think tight air-duct) into which the Reth immediately climbed.

Will Reth survive the electrical shocks running through his body?
Will Silentread continue to break tiny stuff?
Will Faedell lick more acid (trippy, man!)?
Will Phylo continue to carry the group with Thunderwave?
Will Wayland wake the hell up and do something?

Join us next week to find out

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Epic Grand Finale
Made Impotent By Wayland

Ok, so maybe the Wonderous Box was not such a GREAT tool, but honestly, when the party was consisting of 2 to 3 characters, SOMETHING was needed to keep you guys actually in control of the game and not have me rescue you with some Deus Ex Machina EVERY time…but Damn’t, Thomas…A PLANETAR?!?!

Ok, so the gang found a secret passage up to the top of the volcano, where an Arch-mage was attempting to become an Arch-lich by killing Highfalls populace and Jim Joe too. Seemed pretty tough of a fight what with the 30 monsters (skeletons, demons, displacer beast, and basalisk) I was looking forward to the party fighting to the last breath only to have the arch-mage slip away at the moment of victory…

Wayland pulled a Planatar from his Wounderous Box (which the fasting-thinking DM quickly made break due to pulling a Lawful Good creature from it) and turned this epic climax into a premature ejaculatory pile of shit.

Live and Learn, I guess.

Anyhow, they managed to rescue some of the captured townsfolk, revive Jim Joe, and made their way back to Highfalls, became town heroes and legends of renown, and set a precedence for their future with Acquisitions Inc .

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Panthers Can't Fly

The interns continued north towards the giant lizards where they avoided being eaten by anything. They followed a path to the west where they had a choice, continue west or go north.

They went west and had a grand fight with pteranadons high above a river, Wayland gave explicit instructions to the panthers…jump high and try to grab these over-sized birds from the air…turns out panthers can’t fly and several of them plummeted to their death.

They continued on and met a druid who’s hut was lightly secured to the side of a mountain peak, there they had some food and Phylo learned how to call forth lightning.

They then proceeded back East, and then North.

They traveled up a switch-back road for several hours until they came to a guard house with guards that wanted the party dead after Wayland’s terrible attempt at lying.

The guards quickly killed Faedell and the last remaining panthers until Wayland called forth an iron golem to block the way as Phylo lit up the ground.

The party was able to drop down to the road below and find a carved out turn-off in which to hide.

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Sometimes an Insight Check IS the right way to spend your action.
The Laser Cannon

The fight with the Bullet must have made a real impact on Wayland and Justina, because they stopped their apathetic ways and snapped back into good adventuring form.

As they were fighting some zombies “Are you Runners?!?!” Jastina became one with her bow and dispatched three with a single shot!

Wayland and Phylo played with Spiked Fire Growth and Reth and Faedell held their ground and the zombies, that definitely were not runners, were easily dispatched.

As they continued North, they climbed into the foothills and as night fell, they found a small valley were they played with the Phanatons…Phylo “Played” with the Phanatons MORE than anyone else.

In the morning Wayland saw some statues on the path, so the interns continued towards them.

As they approached these four statues that were positioned along a stone staircase to the lookout Plateau, Wayland saved Reth (or rather Reth’s panther) from stepping on a trap.

Clumsily disarming it, he discovered a Wondrous Box hidden in the step.

As they continued up the steps, the statues (Gargoyles actually) came to life and tried to bring death.

Reth tried to choke one out, but instead took a flying lesson that ended in a 60 foot fall into the arms of an awaiting gargoyle.

Justina and Faedell attacked with little success.

Wayland brought forth a Marid and a Water Elemental to fight the Gargoyles.

Phylo…well, Phylo used his time to inspect a device on the top of the tower in the middle of the plateau…it turned out to be a fricken’ Laser Cannon which he used to turn the Water Elemental into steam, and all four Gargoyles into molten rock!

Not known for his caution, Phylo continued to fire the cannon until it A) Cut a deep slice into the surrounding mountainside, B) Lit the Phanaton forest on fire, and C) Blew up in his face

Phylo walked away with barely a singed hair (DM’s dice SUCKED!)

What is next for our interns? Join us next time ONLINE!

PS. Mike needs a Mic

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Azul culto de la ostra
Soft White Underbelly

After schmoozing with the Rakasta for a bit, the interns were introduced to a member of a small village that engage in all forms of Oyster Shell crafts. A villager told them about pirates that had captured some of their people while they were diving for oysters.
Reth, Phylo, and Faedell, along with a female Rakasta, decided to sneak over to the pirate’s lair during the middle of the night.
Reth, using his best Bar Maid’s outfit, twerked his way into the camp, distracting those land-lubbers while Faedell and Phylo caught everyone on fire.
When all was said and done, the Interns released the prisoners and returned to the village heroes.

After dancing in the ruins with the Cult of the Blue Oysters, the interns returned to the Rakasta village where they were challenged to a competition.

They won! And in doing so made pets of 10 panthers which accompanyied them as they left the Rakastas insearch of RB.

After trekking for a few days, thay found themselves face to face with a Bullet. And Reth did his impression of bubble gum. But the Bullet was finally dispatched.

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In Search of a Little Pussy
with only two interns

The interns discovered the home of the Rakastas and enjoyed their hospitality before embarking on a hunt for the Lizardfolk. Phylo and Faedel decided joined a group of 5 Rakastas searching for the lair and they found it.
Phylo began growing spikes on the ground and then blocked the exit from the lair with his moonbeam. Faedel almost forgot about his Spiritual Weapon, but brought it to bear on the Lizardfolk.
Once the first wave was dispatched, the magnificent seven found hiding places and tricked more of the Lizardfolk to come out of the lair by making kitten noises.
As soon as they attacked, two of the Lizard warriors ran back into the lair to get their Shaman leader and then they returned to rain hell on our interns…well, actually, many of them died running into the spiked ground, but the shaman did some damage to Faedel and one of the Rakasta was near death before the battle ended.

The gang was able to recover 4 of the seven kittens stolen by the lousy lizards.

Phylo gained himself a sweet druidic staff and everyone enjoyed the desecration of the Lizardfolk bodies.

Pretty certain Phylo can find that willing virgin he was curious about when they get back to the village.

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Friend or Foe?
Kill 'em and ask after?

The adventures continued their adventure, trekking along the tree line heading East. With Wayland keeping his instrument safely stashed away, they made good progress.
When they made camp for the night, they were interrupted by some creatures which Phylo heard with his elven ears.
After a few minutes of debating on whether or not they should flambe the forest, Wayland, wearing his ring of invisibility (no relation to the one to rule them all) made first contact and returned to camp with his newly acquired feline friends.
The bipedal cat-like creatures talked to the party about the horrible Lizard-folk who like to take their kittens as midnight snacks and the Interns promptly asked to join them on their quest to kill [monster here].
As they were heading towards the Lizard-folk Lair/Camp, a group of Hobgoblins burst through the trees looking for meat.
Phylo started forcing thorns to grow and Reth dropped a few lightning strikes, while Yen, Armetha, Wayland, and Faedell added notches to their kill count.

Should be noted, that Faedell decided to heal a few folks…not out of kindness, but out of necessity.

Wayland started a support group “Friends Against Thorns”

Yen has Blade-singing…yet used amazing restraint and did not sing even once.

Everyone (except the Hobgoblins) survived and were escorted to their new friends’ camp…

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Wake Me Up Before You OH MY GOD!!!
New Members

After the bashing by the giant apes, our intrepid interns took a long nap in the back of the cave, buried amongst the bodies (some dead) of past encounters the Apes have won. Upon waking up, Reth and Phylo discover a few new friendlies to electrify and blow shit up with.
Arkmetha, Faedell, and Yen worked together to devastate the remaining Apes dwelling in the caves.
They fought a HUGE battle, using thorns growing from the ground, lightning strikes, moonbeams, drow powers, and more, all while the majority of the Interns slept.
When the massive ordeal was over, they searched the cave system, finding a few magic items and other trinkets to carry with them.

Then they slept…in the Ape cave…because they could.

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